Thankfully, I’ve been out of the house a lot during quarantine but yeah, no. That shop vac still creeps me out. It’s just sitting in the hallway where anyone could use it.

You think this will stop me? YOU FOOL! This is but a temporary set back. I will have that power cord Kristin, you mark my words.

You keep calling it a Dyson Ten but I’m warning you, if that thing get’s any closer IT’S GONNA BE A DYSON ATE.

Listen, I didn’t spend two years at the Bob Reichhardt School of Building Maintenece for nothing. I know what I’m talking about here. Floors do not need to be that clean.

I like Rocky’s ideas about going for the power cord.  I’m definitely trying that next time.

I don’t care what she says, I’m not coming down off the furniture until she puts that thing back where she found it. IT’S UNSAFE JENNIE.

I’ve known Thor for a long time. He’s a solid candidate and a good runner. Plus, the speed with which he loses his sh*t around vacuums is amazing. Truly inspiring.

I’ve heard that if you pee directly into the bag compartment, your humans will eventually have to give it away because of the smell.

I watched a shop vac drink up all the water in the bird fountain. I didn’t know they could do that. It was terrible. Those poor thirsty birds.

I have discovered it’s lair and will attempt another covert assassination this evening. In the event I am unsuccessful, I will bark at it incessantly for six hours.

You’re welcome.

I also hate Bob Henderson’s lawnmower.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if I’d been able to taste some of the quinoa after it spilled but the vacuum cleaner is always so Johnny-on-the-spot. If I can get into its cupboard, I plan to disembowel it.

Vacuum cleaners are only half the problem. I think we need to start looking into those ceiling fans as well. Those are sketchy as all get-out.

If we come together and vote for Thor, we will surely defeat these-OMG DID IT JUST MOVE? I thought I saw it move.

I’m worried about that weed whacker too. I tried to bite it the other day and it bit me back. I am not okay with that.

Everyone likes clean floors but they never think of the lasting damage these things can inflict on a dog’s psyche. Not to mention their teeth! It’s a shame.

I was ambushed by a central vac back in ’12. Almost lost a leg. Remember that day, Dutchess?   -Duke

Like it was yesterday. Those were dark times Duke. Dark times.  -Dutchess

Thor Michaelson is definitely the candidate we need. He fights for all of us. Even us shorties.

I ate an entire dust buster once. Bag and all. I’ll do it again if I have to.

I’m worried about what they do to the air quality inside. I’ve heard you can get polyps if you’re around them too long.

No one needs floors that clean. That’s nuts.

Of course I’m voting Thor! Did you see how he went after that Dyson? He’s a fighter for sure.

Oh I am definitely going to kill that thing. Yes.

I caught my people vacuuming the drapes the other day. I mean, is that kind of terror really necessary?

Thor’s the man to get this done, I tell you. He’s definitely got my vote. I’ve already registered.

Bagnarök is upon us. This is the doings of that dastardly Dirt Devil, I just know it.

I will not hesitate to tear one of those suckers a new B-hole. PUN MOST DEFINITELY INTENDED.

If that thing gets any closer I will lose my shit. I ain’t even kidding.

A lot of people are here for support. I get that. But that’s not me. I’m here to defeat those jerks. VOTE THOR! TAKE BACK THE FLOOR!

Don’t let the 3 legs fool you. I have personally slain 2 “pet hair” vacuums.

I have had it with that vacuum. And the leaf blower. And honestly, I’m over that whole blender business too. What the heck even is that thing?

I cannot tell you what a lifesaver the Vacuum Cleaner Defense League has been. I am constantly in danger of getting vacuumed right up!

Yeah, my people think I’m resting but really I’m conserving my strength. When I’m done napping, I am going for blood.

Gimme that thing. GIVE IT. IMA MESS IT UP.

This is the season we shed enough to suffocate that thing. I really think we can do it. Ain’t that right Harry? You in, Harry? Yeah…he’s in.

I’ll bite it’s damn accessory cradle off. I don’t care.

I’m hypoallergenic fer’chrissake! You’d think that would be the end of it! But you’d be wrong. So, soo wrong.

While vacuums present a terrible threat, I think we are under-representing just how horrible those Swiffers are. I have some solid ideas about how we can stop them which I will be presenting at the next meeting.

STOP SAYING IT’S MY FAULT THAT YOU HAVE TO VACUUM, LINDA. OTHER PEOPLE SHED TOO. OMG WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE CARPET?

Sure, I’m only 9 weeks old, but I’m a h*eckin’ strong Bulldog I’m gonna mess that thing up…right after naps.

If they wanted that much noise in the house I know any amount of dogs that would be happy to oblige. Hell, that Boxer down the street even. You know, the one that barks at suspicious trees all afternoon? Yeah. I’d rather live with that guy than that screaming tube/box contraption.

I was in the service when they introduced the Meile U1 Freshair Upright. That was a dark day, I can tell you. But we got it in the end. Oh yes. The key is the retractable cord.

I only have so much fur to shed and that thing is always hungry. It doesn’t take a genius to see the do-or-die scenario here. It’s unsafe! Someone needs to do something.

I protec. Expecially my naps. Vacuums can suck it.

Look, I don’t want to harsh anyone’s mellow but I really do think these vacuums are the worst. Always with the noise and the ugh, …everything. Who says rugs have to be clean anyway? Can’t we all just nap on dirty carpets? Besides, more carpet stains mean you can have more parties, AMIRITE?!

Don’t even try with me that Roomba business, Phil. It’s gonna get just as pounced on as that dumb Dirt Devil you insist on using. ‘Retreat and repeat’ baby! Works every time.

I seen it. I know it’s in that closet. You open that door and I WILL NOT BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS.

I vow to support this cause with a campaign of relentless meowing.

I totally support the VCDL. I don’t think they can do enough. The vacuum scares me. Fireworks scare me. The UPS man scares me. I am not fond of thunderstorms, either. I’ll be under the desk if anyone needs me.

Vacuums aren’t the only problem, lawnmowers are just the WORST! And don’t get me started on treadmills – How on earth do THOSE make sense?

 My people chased that vacuum around all day. They could have lost toes! Or feet! They could have died! OMG with these people. I can’t even.

I’ve been shedding non-stop for four years straight and that vacuum cleaner still won’t die. I don’t know what else to do.

I hate that thing. I was having a very nice nap and it tried to kill me. Now I gotta go pee in the back of the closet again.

This is a barn! Who vacuums a sodding barn Karen!? Next time, I swear I’m going to kick that thing.

Why are you taking that thing out of the closet again? You know I’m just gonna go bat-sh*t crazy. DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME, JILL?

We don’t approve of vacuum cleaners, do we Sam?   -Dean

No Dean, we do not. I think we should pee on that one as soon as possible.   -Sam

That vacuum cleaner stole my ball, guys! What do I do? IT STOLE MY H*CKEN BALL.

I heard you have to go for the hose part. Rip it right out. You can’t show these things any mercy whatsoever.

I mean, I have no problem with the hand-held jobbies but that big guy? No, he’s got to go. He almost ate one of my feet last time.

It came after Scooby again right while he was trying to nap. – Dani

Thank goodness for you Dani. I would have been a goner otherwise. -Scooby

I watched an industrial shop vac eat my favorite sock. It was horrible. I loved that sock. This insanity has to end.

Louie would have rather attended a tea party in full Edwardian dress than face the vacuum cleaner. Pinkies up for Louie!

In my day we didn’t have any of these fancy hand-held types. We had Hoovers and you had to run or they would tear the tail right off your a$$.

This is b@llsh*t, man. Complete BS.

It ate all the milk rings. We cannot go on like this.   -Bug

It’s a monster. A MONSTER I TELL YOU.   -Oliver

Did you see what it did to the couch? All my fur nests have been wiped out.   – Zoe

This is worse than the lawn mower.

I think they should ban Bob Henderson’s lawnmower too. Good-for-nothing noisemaker is all it is.

THIS  M+$#@*#^!ER  ATE MY CHEERIO. IMA MESS IT UP.

I’m not saying dogs are right or anything, but…yeah, I agree. Those vacuums need to be put down.

I’m not really afraid of the vacuum cleaner per se. I mean, it’s basically a harmless suctioning device. But they serve turkey hot dogs at the meetings and someone usually brings one of those Chukkit things. It’s a pretty good time. Beats barking at suspicious trees all afternoon.

No, I’m not hiding. It’s just that sometimes I like to go to my happy place, you know? My happy pl-OHDOG THERE IT IS.

Even if you properly claim it the damn thing comes back. Trust me. This is the 378th time I’ve had to reclaim this rug and I’m expecting another battle this afternoon.

I’ve stared it into submission for now but when this thing starts moving, Ima be all over it LIKE A CHICKEN DINNER.

When are we going to do something about those g*damned garbage men? Something has got to be done about them.  They’ve terrorized us long enough!

If you ask me, they aren’t doing enough. Someone needs to do something about those hairdryers as well.

We will absolutely support the Vacuum Cleaner Defense League as soon as naptime is over.

I saw them vacuum the cat once. It almost lost its tail. I don’t even like the cat but that was too much.

Last year, they bought a Roomba. A FRIGGEN’ ROOMBA. 

I support the Vacuum Cleaner Defense League. This year, I intend to focus my efforts toward the total annihilation of both the vacuum cleaner and that dog next door. Have you seen that guy? He’s the worst.

My humans have no idea of the dangers they face. One of them actually opened the door to the UPS Man the other day! Without me, they would surely perish.

I have already seen a modicum of success in the total domination of both the hand held vacuum as well as the upright model. They are right to fear my wrath and I will not hesitate to unleash a holy fury of terror should they try to vacuum any of my floors again.

I don’t mind so much the curtains being done but my mom told me that the vacuum cleaner can turn the floor into hot lava. That freaks me out.

I’m serious man, don’t open that closet.