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TO: PETER, RE: FIREWORKS

LOOK, PETER, I CANNOT LIE TO YOU ABOUT THIS: I LOVE AMERICA BUT FIREWORKS ARE THE WORST.

SETTING ASIDE FOR A MOMENT THE EMOTIONAL TOLL THAT YOUR AMERICAN DOGMAGEDDON HAS ON MOST OF OUR CONSTITUENCY, I SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE LURE.

WHY DO HUMANS LIKE TO PLAY WITH SMALL EXPLOSIONS DURING THE HOTTEST PART OF THE YEAR? EVERYTHING IS REALLY DRY AT THAT TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CATCH DRY GRASS ON FIRE? IT IS NOT THAT HARD, PETER. LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THROW A LITTLE EMBER ON IT. GOES UP LIKE A ROCKET.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE CATCHES FIRE?

PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING. TREES, HOUSES, LIGHT POSTS. IT ALL BURNS PETE. AND I AM AFRAID OF THINGS BURNING. I LIKE MY HOUSE PETER, I DO NOT WANT IT TO BURN DOWN.

IN ADDITION, FIREWORKS MAY BE PRETTY IN THE SKY BUT HOLY CRAP THEY ARE LOUD. YOU KNOW YOU CAN LOSE YOUR HEARING, RIGHT? I AM NOT JOKING. IF YOU SUBJECT YOURSELF TO REALLY LOUD NOISES, NOT UNLIKE THE EXPLOSIONS FIREWORKS MAKE WHEN YOU IGNITE THEM, YOU CAN DAMAGE YOUR EAR DRUMS, PERMANENTLY.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO DOGMAGEDDON.

I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT AS A GERMAN SHEPARD MIX, I CAN’T BE HAVING WITH ALL THE FIRE AND DEAFENING NOSES EVERYWHERE. I WILL DEFINITELY LOSE MY SHIT.  BUT WITH THE THREAT OF FIRE LITERALLY RAINING DOWN FROM ABOVE ALL EVENING LONG, HOW DO YOU NOT? SERIOUSLY, DO HUMANS ENJOY THAT TYPE OF FEAR? BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD.

THE ONLY POSITIVE THING I WILL SAY ABOUT FIREWORKS IS THAT THEY TEND TO BE PRECEDED BY AN EVENING OF HOT DOGS AND UNATTENDED POTATO CHIPS. IF YOU’RE LUCKY, THERE ARE ALSO UNATTENDED MARSHMALLOW CRISPY TREATS WHICH ARE VERY DELICIOUS. HOWEVER THOSE ARE NEVER A GUARANTEE.

IN SHORT, FIREWORKS ARE TERRIBLE, HUMANS ARE CONFUSING AND YOUR DOG WANTS MARSHMALLOWS, NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA.

THE TENNIS BALL OF COMPLACENCY

 

IN RESPONSE TO THE ESOTERIC BANDICOOTS:

I AM PLEASED TO REPORT THAT AFTER SEVERAL PEACEKEEPING MISSIONS TO THE SWAMP PARK BEHIND OUR HOUSE, ALL UPSTANDING DOGS, (MOST OF THE) CATS, AND A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF UNDOMESTICATED WATERFOWL HAVE COME TOGETHER TO STAND STRONG AGAINST VACUUM CLEANERS, BROOMS AND ASSORTED INSTRUMENTS OF LAWN CARE.

BUT THOUGH WE OF THE VCDL ARE UNITED, MANY OF OUR COMMUNITY REMAIN DIVIDED.

AS YOU MAY KNOW, THE VCDL IS HEADQUARTERED IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST, A LARGE PORTION OF WHICH IS CURRENTLY ON FIRE. THE SUN HAS BEEN HIDING IN A SKY FULL OF DIRT FOR SO LONG NOW IT IS BEGINNING TO FREAK PEOPLE OUT. SADLY, 500K ACRES OF FOREST FIRE IS NOT THE ONLY PROBLEM IN THE WORLD TODAY. WE DO NOT SUFFER ALONE.

SISTERS AND BROTHERS THROUGHOUT THE WORLD ARE AT ODDS. THEY FIGHT FOR FAMILIES, FRIENDS, HOMES, LIVES AND COMMUNITIES. MANY ARE IN NEED. SOMETIMES THE AMOUNT OF NEED IS STAGGERING, FOR WE ARE ALL BURDENED. IT OVERWHELMS THE MIND AND DISHEARTENS THE SPIRIT TO KNOW THAT THERE IS NO GRAND SOLUTION TO END ALL THE HARM THAT HAS BEEN DONE.

FORTUNATELY FOR US, THIS WORLDVIEW IS FAULTY.

THERE CANNOT BE ONE GRAND SOLUTION BECAUSE LIFE IS NOT LIVED IN GRAND SWEEPING GESTURES. LIFE IS SMALL AND PERSONAL, LIVED MINUTE BY MINUTE. HUMBLE ACTS DONE ONE AT A TIME, BUILDING UP ON EACH OTHER TO CREATE THE FUTURE.

EVEN NUTSY, THE SQUIRREL THAT LIVES ACROSS THE FENCE, KNOWS THIS AS TRUE.

HE DOES NOT SET OUT TO PLANT A FOREST (ESPECIALLY NOT IN MY YARD.) HIS GOAL IS ONLY TO BURY A FEW ACORNS FOR THE WINTER.

THOUGH HIS GOAL IS SMALL, HE IS PERSISTENT. AND BY ACHIEVING HIS TINY GOAL ON A DAILY BASIS, THAT TWITCHY LITTLE VERMIN WILL PLANT A FOREST FULL OF TREES OVER THE COURSE OF HIS LIFE (AGAIN, NUTSY, I AM VERY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS NOT BEING IN MY YARD.)

I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SAYING THIS BUT… WE COULD ALL TAKE A LESSON FROM NUTSY.

WE ARE ALIVE. WE ARE HERE. WE HAVE FUTURE TO CREATE. IT IS OUR TURN TO SOW ACORNS. TOMORROW MAY BE SOMEONE ELSE’S TURN, BUT TODAY? TODAY IS OURS.

AND WE WILL.

WE WILL DONATE THAT DOLLAR FOR HURRICANE RELIEF AT THE GROCERY STORE AND THEN WE WILL RETURN OUR CARTS.

WE WILL ASSUME BEST INTENTIONS OF OUR COMMUNITY MEMBERS, EVEN THE ONES WITH WHOM WE DO NOT ALWAYS AGREE – SUCH AS THAT NEIGHBOR WITH THE FLUFFY ORANGE CAT, OR NUTSY.

WE WILL WALK AGAINST CHILDHOOD CANCER, ALS AND CROHN’S DISEASE AND SUPPORT OTHERS IN THE COMMUNITY WHO DO SO FOR THEIR CAUSES.

WE WILL GIVE WHAT WE CAN TO THE SPCA, ACLU, NAACP, AND SPLC, EVEN IF IT IS ONLY $5. HECK, WE MAY EVEN DONATE TO THE RED CROSS FOR THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT FIRST RESPONSE DISASTER RELIEF, NO MATTER WHAT THEIR CEO GETS PAID. AND ALSO, BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE WHO WORKS FOR DISASTER RELIEF IS AN EVIL TROLL. SOME PEOPLE REALLY JUST WANT TO HELP.

IT IS SAID THAT IN ORDER TO RUN THROUGH THE FIELD OF GLORY, ONE MUST FIRST GIVE UP THE TENNIS BALL OF COMPLACENCY.

WE WILL GIVE UP THAT TENNIS BALL.

AND THEN WE WILL CHASE THAT SUCKER DOWN AND CHEW IT UNTIL IT POPS.

WE CAN DO THIS.

LET’S GO.

UNITED WE STAND

DEAREST PEOPLE,

I STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY A HUMBLED DOG.

AT THE OUTSET OF MY CAMPAIGN, I HAD ASSUMED THAT VACUUM CLEANERS (AND SOMETIMES BROOMS) WERE SOLELY A DOG’S BANE. THAT IT FELL ON CANINE SHOULDERS TO RISE UP AND LEAD THIS MESSY FLOOR REVOLUTION.

I WAS WRONG.

THERE ARE, TO MY UTTER DISBELIEF, MANY PETS OF THE…UH…FELINE PERSUASION THAT HAVE WRITTEN TO ME, PLEDGING THEIR FULL SUPPORT TO THE VCDL.

THERE IS NO DOUBT WE HAVE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES IN THE PAST (I AM SPEAKING SPECIFICALLY TO YOU, NEIGHBOR CAT WHO KEEPS TRYING TO SNEAK OVER AND EAT THE BIRDS OUT OF MY GARDEN FOUNTAIN). BUT IT IS PRECISELY BECAUSE OF THESE DIFFERENCES THAT I POST HERE TODAY.

I AM PROFOUNDLY HUMBLED BY THE OUTPOURING OF FELINE SUPPORT FOR OUR CAUSE.

AS OF TODAY, I AM FORMALLY CHANGING OUR CHARTER. WE ARE NO LONGER A DOG-EXCLUSIVE COALITION. WE WELCOME ANY AND ALL PETS WHO SUFFER FROM OVER-ZEALOUS CARPET OWNERS.

TO ALL THE TERRIFIED, RUTHLESSLY VACUUM- (AND SOMETIMES BROOM-) PERSECUTED ANIMALS OUT THERE, WE OF THE VCDL WELCOME YOU WITH OPEN PAWS.

EXCEPT FOR THAT NEIGHBOR CAT.

YOU BETTER STAY AWAY FROM MY BIRDS.

Letters to Thor: No to Vacuums!

Subject: No to vacuums

Had there not been a red light on 175th, I wouldn’t have seen the “campaign” sign. What a hoot.

As a gay (hope that doesn’t offend you) septuagenarian and there are a lot of us not around due to HIV/AIDS (hope that DOES offend you), I’m sending this link to all of the “Vacuum Queens” I know, and there’s a bunch! Some of them even have dogs, but give me a dedicated possessive cat any day!

DEAR SIR,

IN MY EXPERIENCE, HUMAN SEXUAL PREFERENCE IS AN IMPERFECT INDICATOR OF GENEROSITY WHEN IT COMES TO BELLY RUBS OR TREATS. I HAVE FOUND THAT *HAPPINESS* IS THE THING TO LOOK FOR, ESPECIALLY IF YOU WANT SOMEONE TO FEED YOU TURKEY HOT DOGS. OR THOSE LITTLE VIENNA SAUSAGE THINGIES.

MMM…LITTLE VIENNA SAUSAGES THINGIES.

BUT I DIGRESS! THOUGH YOU CONFESS TO BEING A ‘CAT PERSON’, I WHOLEHEARTEDLY WELCOME YOUR SUPPORT. CATS AND I HAVE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES IN THE PAST, BUT I HAVE RECENTLY DISCOVERED THAT MANY OF THEM SUPPORT OF THE ANTI-VACUUM CLEANER MOVEMENT TOO. CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

IN CLOSING, PLEASE LET YOUR ROYAL FRIENDS KNOW THAT I WILL WORK TIRELESSLY IN MY EFFORTS TO RID YOUR FINE HOMES OF THESE TERRIBLE MONSTERS. (THE VACUUM CLEANERS. NOT THE CATS.)

FAITHFULLY YOURS,

THOR MICHAELSON

 

A MESSAGE FOR YOU, SIR ERIK THE RED (FISH)

Please please please post something about the Thor Michaelson political yard signs – and pics!! I’m cousins with Lisa so saw a post on fb that she replied to, which led me here… But I’m carless in Seattle so probably won’t make it to shoreline to see any myself. 🙂

-Erik the Red (Fish)

SIR ERIK,

I BELIEVE THESE ARE SOME OF THE SIGNS TO WHICH YOU ARE REFERRING?

vacuum cleaner defense league, Thor Michaelson

 

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I WILL ENDEAVOR TO PROCURE MORE PICTURES POST-HASTE. IT MAY TAKE ME A WHILE THOUGH SINCE I DO NOT HAVE THUMBS AND WORKING THE CAMERA TENDS TO BE A BIT TRICKY. I WILL THOUGH ERIK.

FOR YOU, I WILL.

SINCERELY,

THOR

JEN: PALADIN OF THE VCDL.

Thor! I saw your signs when I was going to get dinner. I want some in my yard! I want to help spread the word! Tell me what I can do.

-Jen

 

FAIR JEN,

I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MUCH YOUR SUPPORT MEANS TO ME AND THE REST OF THE VCDL. AS OF TODAY (7/3/16) THERE ARE 4 MORE SIGN DESIGNS FORTHCOMING. IF YOU CARE TO WAIT UNTIL THEY ARE PUBLISHED, I WILL MAKE SURE TO POST LINKS ON HOW TO ACQUIRE YOUR OWN SIGNS, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE.

STAY STRONG JEN. WE WILL FIGHT THIS TYRANNY TOGETHER,

THOR MICHALESON