TO: PETER, RE: FIREWORKS

LOOK, PETER, I CANNOT LIE TO YOU ABOUT THIS: I LOVE AMERICA BUT FIREWORKS ARE THE WORST.

SETTING ASIDE FOR A MOMENT THE EMOTIONAL TOLL THAT YOUR AMERICAN DOGMAGEDDON HAS ON MOST OF OUR CONSTITUENCY, I SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE LURE.

WHY DO HUMANS LIKE TO PLAY WITH SMALL EXPLOSIONS DURING THE HOTTEST PART OF THE YEAR? EVERYTHING IS REALLY DRY AT THAT TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CATCH DRY GRASS ON FIRE? IT IS NOT THAT HARD, PETER. LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THROW A LITTLE EMBER ON IT. GOES UP LIKE A ROCKET.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE CATCHES FIRE?

PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING. TREES, HOUSES, LIGHT POSTS. IT ALL BURNS PETE. AND I AM AFRAID OF THINGS BURNING. I LIKE MY HOUSE PETER, I DO NOT WANT IT TO BURN DOWN.

IN ADDITION, FIREWORKS MAY BE PRETTY IN THE SKY BUT HOLY CRAP THEY ARE LOUD. YOU KNOW YOU CAN LOSE YOUR HEARING, RIGHT? I AM NOT JOKING. IF YOU SUBJECT YOURSELF TO REALLY LOUD NOISES, NOT UNLIKE THE EXPLOSIONS FIREWORKS MAKE WHEN YOU IGNITE THEM, YOU CAN DAMAGE YOUR EAR DRUMS, PERMANENTLY.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO DOGMAGEDDON.

I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT AS A GERMAN SHEPARD MIX, I CAN’T BE HAVING WITH ALL THE FIRE AND DEAFENING NOSES EVERYWHERE. I WILL DEFINITELY LOSE MY SHIT.  BUT WITH THE THREAT OF FIRE LITERALLY RAINING DOWN FROM ABOVE ALL EVENING LONG, HOW DO YOU NOT? SERIOUSLY, DO HUMANS ENJOY THAT TYPE OF FEAR? BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD.

THE ONLY POSITIVE THING I WILL SAY ABOUT FIREWORKS IS THAT THEY TEND TO BE PRECEDED BY AN EVENING OF HOT DOGS AND UNATTENDED POTATO CHIPS. IF YOU’RE LUCKY, THERE ARE ALSO UNATTENDED MARSHMALLOW CRISPY TREATS WHICH ARE VERY DELICIOUS. HOWEVER THOSE ARE NEVER A GUARANTEE.

IN SHORT, FIREWORKS ARE TERRIBLE, HUMANS ARE CONFUSING AND YOUR DOG WANTS MARSHMALLOWS, NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA.

One thought on “TO: PETER, RE: FIREWORKS

  1. Aimee Sprogis

    Tiffany,
    You’ll be happy to know that ad you get older, your hearing sort of goes too. I’m Luna, a 13-yr-old black Lab and fireworks don’t bother me so much anymore. And while many of my canine buddies are busy freaking out, I can focus on the unattended goodies. Just saying…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s