LOOK, PETER, I CANNOT LIE TO YOU ABOUT THIS: I LOVE AMERICA BUT FIREWORKS ARE THE WORST.

SETTING ASIDE FOR A MOMENT THE EMOTIONAL TOLL THAT YOUR AMERICAN DOGMAGEDDON HAS ON MOST OF OUR CONSTITUENCY, I SIMPLY DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE LURE.

WHY DO HUMANS LIKE TO PLAY WITH SMALL EXPLOSIONS DURING THE HOTTEST PART OF THE YEAR? EVERYTHING IS REALLY DRY AT THAT TIME. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO CATCH DRY GRASS ON FIRE? IT IS NOT THAT HARD, PETER. LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS THROW A LITTLE EMBER ON IT. GOES UP LIKE A ROCKET.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE CATCHES FIRE?

PRETTY MUCH EVERYTHING. TREES, HOUSES, LIGHT POSTS. IT ALL BURNS PETE. AND I AM AFRAID OF THINGS BURNING. I LIKE MY HOUSE PETER, I DO NOT WANT IT TO BURN DOWN.

IN ADDITION, FIREWORKS MAY BE PRETTY IN THE SKY BUT HOLY CRAP THEY ARE LOUD. YOU KNOW YOU CAN LOSE YOUR HEARING, RIGHT? I AM NOT JOKING. IF YOU SUBJECT YOURSELF TO REALLY LOUD NOISES, NOT UNLIKE THE EXPLOSIONS FIREWORKS MAKE WHEN YOU IGNITE THEM, YOU CAN DAMAGE YOUR EAR DRUMS, PERMANENTLY.

WHICH BRINGS US BACK TO DOGMAGEDDON.

I WILL BE THE FIRST TO ADMIT THAT AS A GERMAN SHEPARD MIX, I CAN’T BE HAVING WITH ALL THE FIRE AND DEAFENING NOSES EVERYWHERE. I WILL DEFINITELY LOSE MY SHIT.  BUT WITH THE THREAT OF FIRE LITERALLY RAINING DOWN FROM ABOVE ALL EVENING LONG, HOW DO YOU NOT? SERIOUSLY, DO HUMANS ENJOY THAT TYPE OF FEAR? BECAUSE THAT IS WEIRD.

THE ONLY POSITIVE THING I WILL SAY ABOUT FIREWORKS IS THAT THEY TEND TO BE PRECEDED BY AN EVENING OF HOT DOGS AND UNATTENDED POTATO CHIPS. IF YOU’RE LUCKY, THERE ARE ALSO UNATTENDED MARSHMALLOW CRISPY TREATS WHICH ARE VERY DELICIOUS. HOWEVER THOSE ARE NEVER A GUARANTEE.

IN SHORT, FIREWORKS ARE TERRIBLE, HUMANS ARE CONFUSING AND YOUR DOG WANTS MARSHMALLOWS, NOT PSYCHOLOGICAL TRAUMA.